“Don’t tell me anything about my Daddy” I screamed through tears when my Pastor walked through my door with a straight face, he grabbed my shoulders and said the words I never wanted to hear “Priscilla he is gone”
This is going to be a very heavy and hard blog to write because I still have days where I cry when nobody is around, I have days I smile, I have days I am angry at God, and I have days thinking of the what if…….Daddy had been in jail for a few years because he was trying to cross the border to get back home for a new stent, his heart was weak and had attempted to cross once but was too weak. This 2nd time around we hooked him up to an IV and we sent him to cross the cerros (hills) Daddy didn’t make it he had a heart attack trying to cross and his homeboy that was with him ran to the border agents, the same agents they had been dodging the 2 days they were out there. My Dad’s homie could of left him there to die but he was a true homie who was willing to go back to jail to save my Daddy, those are the types of friends that are not found anymore! The agents came to my Dad and he was taken in. I am not sure where they take “illegals” when this happens and to this day I still don’t know. I know that I got a call while I was at work from my Dad’s homie and said “I gotta get the agents Flaco isn’t gonna make it” and I left work to go to the closest border patrol building in Alpine, Ca to find out where my dad was. I remember thinking “did he make it?” I cried the whole way there in a panic of the unknown. I arrived and the agents were dicks, they took my ID and assumed I was the “coyote” smuggling my dad and detained me in a little room for a few hours. They didn’t have shit on me and they let me go. I kept asking if Daddy was ok and I was crying and practically begging them to answer me. The mutha fucker looked me dead in the face and said “I am not telling you!” And he told me to leave!!!!!! I will never forget this and I will forever hold resident towards that piece of shit!
I went home and waited because that’s all we could do. He called a few weeks later and he was safe and healthy!!!!! He served his time and as soon as he was released I went to see him Tijuana.
I remember the day he walked out and I ran to him like a little girl and cried in his chest! In his chest is where I always felt safe! Nobody could hurt me there, nobody could take away the feeling of being whole for that minute!!!!!!
We went to the airport because we (Alex and I ) were picking up my mother in law. The flight was delayed so I sat with Daddy for a few hours and we laughed and bullshited like we always did!!!!!! In our conversation a few things he said always stood out, and I look back on it and think he was preparing me!
He asked me to never change my last name hahahaha even though I was married! I agreed (sorry Alex) He made me promise him that I would never leave Alex because he is a good man and he said “Nobody will put up with your shit like that man! He loves you!” And the last thing we talked about was my recovery! He pointed to the top of his hand and he showed me a tattoo he had got this time around, it was a California poppy with my name and sobriety date 08/21/2013! He made me promise him I would never become addicted to anything again including those pills! He picked a California poppy and I am really not sure why but I have a feeling this was all Gods plan! I remember hugging him and telling him I promise!
We went to eat and spent the rest of the afternoon together! I told Daddy that I would be back next weekend and I would take him a phone and clothes to get him taken care of! Daddy was super vain like me so he always had to look FLY!!!!!
I went on with my week ecstatic that Daddy was home and the boys had Grandpa!
We ended up not making it on that Saturday for some reason and this was all God too! It was Tuesday 4/31/19 I went to work like usual (I took the train to work because I worked far) the day was busier than usual at work so I had no time to check my phone at all! I needed to leave by 4:20pm to catch the train home and I was wrapping up and I walked to the front office to tell my receptionist that I was leaving. She looked at me and said “no don’t go, Alex was trying to surprise you and pick you up, but he is running late!” I thought that was sweet and grabbed my phone to call him. She took my phone and said she didn’t want to ruin my surprise! (My phone was taken because family had sent me a message via FB messenger to tell me what had happed! Note to public keep your mouth shut until immediate family knows) I assumed Alex was dong something special and turned off my phone like she had told me to do.
Alex got to work and he took me home. I kept asking what we were doing but he wouldn’t tell me, so I allowed it and didn’t pry.
We got home and my mom and 2 younger brothers were there and I was super confused. My mom looked like she was crying and I asked what happened and she said it was work! I was like ok WTF is going on………
I got in the house and Alex went outside and told me to wait. I was thinking I was waiting for my surprise!!!!! I was talking with Mom and I told her I was gonna see Daddy Saturday and I was taking him his phone. She kept nodding and saying that was good! My little brother took my Eli upstairs to play, and still I wasn’t thinking anything bad at all!!!!!! It wasn’t until Alex walked in with my Pastor and his wife. I was a little shook because it was a service night and church was suppose to start in less than an hour! I knew something was wrong when my Pastor looked at me with that straight face! I remember the feeling of my stomach in knots and my throat got tight!
“Don’t tell me anything about my Daddy” I screamed through tears he grabbed my shoulders and said the words I never wanted to hear “Priscilla he is gone”
I don’t remember anything except me collapsing and when I came back to my senses I could only cry and vomit! It’s the type of pain that is so excruciating and it is so indescribable.
Till this day I don’t know how I survived (I am sure it was the boys)
There was a lot of pieces that needed to be put together but from what we gathered Daddy stopped his medications and he had an aortic aneurysm. He passed 3 days before he was found because he lived alone, (he had a room mate) but they thought he had gone out and it wasn’t until the smell of his decomposing body took over the house. To this day that’s why I am so angry at God, I am angry that Daddy lived a shit life because he was sick and his disease made him addicted to drugs. I am pissed that his last day he was alone like most of his life! I hate that I wasn’t there! If I would of been there the Saturday I was suppose to be maybe I could of saved him!!!! It still fucks with my head, but I know that its not my fault maybe God was sparing me from being there because my heart wouldn’t be strong enough for that! I don’t know the reason behind it and I am left with so many questions but therapy is helping me deal with it! I think…….
Tijuana is a political cluster fuck and they took forever to give Daddy’s body back for services but when we did get him he was given his service and he was put to rest.
The day we buried him I lost my vision and I didn’t know why (maybe the 5 days of no food, stress, broken heart and the dehydration) but when I got my vision back a beautiful butterfly flew by and I knew that was Daddy telling me he was free!!!!!!
Its been a fuckin roller coaster through this. I have lost my shit and checked out left my husband and kids (that will be another blog) I have grown resentful to God and come to learn to love and accept God back into my heart.
This year I decided I was finally gonna start therapy to help me deal with everything because it was really getting way to overwhelming (cold sweats, anxiety through the roof, Ian fearful of everything, the list goes on). In the midst of accepting I needed help some thing beautiful happened!!!!! Y’all are about to be mind blown!!!!!
This was the year of a super bloom! We had a butterfly migration and that was a beautiful reminder of Daddy being free…… then the Poppy’s…….. the super bloom brought all these Poppy fields! There is no way this is a coincidence I am one hundred percent confident this was my Daddy’s way of telling me that he is ok, and he wants me to smile when I think of him and not cry! God knew that I was going to need this!!!!! I am not saying I was healed from all the hurt miraculously and that I am accepting it all, but I am saying that I feel like I can breath! A part of me felt like if I accepted that my Dad was gone then I would forget him!!!! But that’s not true, I can accept it and keep his memory alive, even if its through butterflies and poppies!
I hope this brings hope to someone going through this!!!!! Its not easy to say goodbye, but soon the tears will turn into smiles!
God bless everyone reading this!!!!! Thank you to all those who have been a part of my journey you know who you are!!!!! Alex, Eli, Julian,Robert jr, Maddy, Lucia, Sonia, and Rachel! I couldn’t have done it without you in particular! You guys have seen me at my worst and loved me through it all!!!!!! Thank you!
XOXO
Keeping my Roots but Breaking My Chains 