Anxiety level 100!

Children deserve to be loved, they deserve to feel safe and wanted. This was never the case for me. As a little girl into adulthood I always felt like a burden and a failure to my mother. 

Yes I know this is hard to believe because what you see currently on instagram and facebook is different from different from what I feel. You see beauty, confidence and success. What you don’t see is the anxiety behind the scene. The type of anxiety that kept me bound to my bed last Saturday until 5:30pm, the type that made me vomit, cry and have cold sweats. I struggle with severe anxiety about everything and anything. I struggle in public places, I struggle in my own home, I struggle at work, when I drive, when I parent, when I am being a wife, and anything in between (even as I am writing this I am shaking, my hands tremble, I have tears ready to fall and my stomach is in knots)  I know you might be thinking “why is she writing then?”

In some weird way this is freeing, this is therapeutic for me. This helps me reach out to those who may struggle with the same type of shit! You guys don’t know how good it feels to get all the inspiring messages I receive from so many people thanking me for being real/raw/and above all honest!!!!!! 

Check it out I fuckin hate admitting that I struggle this much, I fuckin hate admitting that I am weak sometimes but I am so glad I am able to get it out somehow. I have been wanting to write this for a while but have held back for so many reasons. I feel sometimes people get hurt by my truth because it sheds light on a dark situation. I am constantly feeling I should hide what I have been through because it may hurt those who have caused it. I am realizing that these things are real and I have my “side of the story” my perspective and feelings matter. 

I realized a few weeks ago that my mom won’t be able to love me the way I want to be loved, because right now she may not love herself the way she should. The way I expect to be loved may not be the way she sees love. I have been a hot mess because I had to remove myself completely from her. I see that she posts about how happy she is, and how much she loves her grandkids, however I can’t remember the last time she called. 

There is so much more to this story but I will leave it there, right now I know I had to pull away and the pain is more excruciating than I imagined. My heart aches more than when Daddy passed away and I think its because I feel like I lost a mother but I  am more sad for my boys. They can’t see a Grandma that they yearn for. The other day when my little one heard crying he came in my room and said “mommy why are you crying?” I explained sometimes mamas cry because we are emotional, and its not his fault. He looked at me and said “Mommy you cry because of Grandma, you’re not the things you say you are and you are not what she says you are.” And he kissed me and walked away!!!!

WTF!!! The first thing I thought is he hears me when I am crying hysterically to Alex explaining that I am not enough, or good enough for my mom, I feel I am not worthy of her love because I have fucked up in the past and she is embarrassed of who I am. I feel very unloved, and I don’t blame her because I know that I am a hard person to love. However Alex tells me this is all a lie the enemy wants me to believe because ANYONE would be proud to have me as a daughter and its not me. When my mom calls me fucked up names it really fucks with me because I NEVER allow anyone to disrespect me this way however I hear it so much from her and my youngest has heard it now, even though I protect them as much as I can. To be honest that shit killed me because I TRY SO HARD to keep them protected from all the bullshit I endured as a little girl!!!!!!!

So now I am cornered between protecting my children or respecting my mother, so I decided my children are more important. (Before you get you panties in a bunch and try to say something about what YOU think I should do, take a step back! You don’t know what I have gone through and I only write enough to kind of put it in perspective because if I put it all out there A LOT of family would be hurt/mad/and disagree. This is my perspective and my heart/feelings and this is my decision!) 

So the other day I was having a conversation with a friend who was talking about how close she is to her mother and how much her mom loves and protects her.  I couldn’t help but to feel a very heavy feeling on my heart and the knot in my throat, I wished I knew what that felt like, I wish I knew that love….. I couldn’t get it together after that conversation. My friend had no idea this had triggered something nor did I. I just knew I was sad at that moment and as the night progressed I got angry at stupid things, I was irritable and by the time I got home I was sick to my stomach and vomiting. I slept until 5:30pm the next day and if I woke up I was crying, and  in a cold sweat.

I finally woke up, showered and made myself push through the emotions!!!! I realized what had triggered me and finally decided I was going to start therapy. For so many reasons I decided it was time, I need to push through my childhood traumas, my hurt pain and the feeling of neglect! Want to know why I finally have the strength????? MY BOYS!!!!!  I want them to be able to feel safe and communicate with me about anything. Before I can offer that to them I have to be able to communicate with my damn self!!!!!! I have to be able to love myself so I can love them as much as possible! 

I never want them to feel any ounce of hurt or pain like I have. The feeling of a parent not wanting to fight for your love is the worst pain a child can go though. Losing my father was the worst pain but losing my mother while she is alive is even worse! I don’t write this so you feel bad for me, I write this as a child yearning for a parent! Maybe you’re the parent who has pushed away the child, if you come across this I beg you reach out because I can promise your baby might just need LOVE. If you’re  the child remember its not YOU!!!!!! Regardless of the situation its a shitty one, and the only thing I can do is break the chains and the cycle, I will love my children till the end of the world and back because I know what it feels like to be unwanted/unloveable and I NEVER want them to feel that way!!!!! 

The photo below is a picture of my mother and I at my quinceañera, it’s one of the few times I actually felt a mother daughter connection, and I wish I would of had more of these!