Be Still

Slow down girl and be still!!!! this is today I want to discuss the last few months in the life of Prissy! It has been one of the hardest life-changing experiences that my husband Alex and my children have endured. We have had trials, death, scandals, and normal problems that come with family, our marriage and our children. However, this is something new and foreign and I think that’s why this has been a big pill to swallow. It has caused me so much anxiety, anger, resentment and all the emotions in between.  I think that stems from the fear of the unknown and the loss of control!

It was a normal weekend for Alex and I in November. We went out for date night Saturday, we had dinner and danced the night away (we love to act like 2 teenagers, it’s honestly what has rekindled us! That blog will be coming soon). I had 2 beers and when we got home we went to bed like we always do. However, I don’t remember much from that weekend. On Sunday I didn’t feel well. I was extremely tired and weak which isn’t like me. I am pretty resilient, I slept all day Sunday, then at 2am Monday it hit! A tonic clonic seizure also known as a grand mal seizure. I have no history of seizures and I am a pretty healthy person.

Alex says it was 2am and he heard me scream and started make a weird humming noise, and BAM the seizure starts. Alex has never seen anything remotely close to what he witnessed that night. He says he thought I was having a stroke (since we have a family history and I lost my Daddy to a stroke at the age of 46) he says my whole body was shaking violently, my eyes were huge and wouldn’t blink. I had bitten a piece of my tongue off and there was blood, that’s when he thought I was bleeding out. His mom runs in and Alex called 911, he thought he was losing me. The seizure lasted a little under 7 minutes but he can’t remember much because everything happened so quickly. The ambulance arrived and I was taken to the hospital and they confirmed it was a tonic-clonic seizure. The doctor said it was probably the alcohol (keep in mind I had 2 beers Saturday and seizures hit Monday.) He told Alex it was probably a fluke and probably wouldn’t happen again. I was home by 5am. (Everything I am writing is from Alex’s perspective because I was unconscious and in and out of sleep.)

It was 7am when Alex heard the scream and humming again. Alex describes the scream as a scream you hear in movies, followed by a huge gasp of air, and then humming.  I then again had a tonic-clonic seizure that lasted about 5 minutes and we went through it all over again. I remember vaguely waking up in the ambulance strapped to a gurney, I looked up and saw a paramedic man (who we know from church, that was sent from Jesus for sure, that was God’s way of reminding me he is in control.)

I remember asking Alex where were the kiddos when all this was happening? I was worried about their emotions. My oldest had no idea what happened, he slept through the mess, but my little one heard everything and he saw his mama being taken by the ambulance twice in one day. Alex explained what was happening to him, but it was too much for him to comprehend everything at that moment.

At the hospital I was put through MRIs, CAT scans, an EEG, an EKG, IVs being put in and I don’t recall most of it. I slept through EVERYTHING, including the MRI. I vaguely remember some things here and there but most of it is a blur. Seizures take a HUGE toll on your brain and entire body. Post seizures you are exhausted beyond words, you have memory issues, you get muscle cramps, awful headaches and so much pain from chomping on your tongue.

I remember waking up in the hospital, I see my Mom (who I had not spoken to in months) and I remember panicking and asking what the hell happened? I knew it was bad because she was there, and she is only around when she wants to be or when something awful has happened . I remember my mind racing and thinking where are my babies? Are they ok?  Why am I here? Why is my mom here? Am I dying? I don’t remember who told me but I know I was told I had a few seizures! I remember thinking, what the fuck does that mean, I have never had them, and I sure as hell don’t have time for this! I remember telling Alex “babe I need to be in surgery at work tomorrow, I have to get better NOW!” He told me my day would be covered and I have to take time off!!!!

Who thinks about work coming out of seizures??? Hahahah THIS GIRL! I love my job and I am a big part of the practice, and I am needed (side note: thats what I thought but while I was gone all my girls at work took care of everything, I wasn’t needed!) Everything was so overwhelming and I felt like I was losing control of my life right before my eyes! I am the girl with 5 calendars, schedules for my entire family, reminder lists and alarms for everything (yes I am that girl) there I was with tears in my eyes thinking shit I don’t have seizures penciled in and there is definitely no damn room in my schedule for them!!! Thank you asshole seizures you can take your annoying little ass somewhere else “Bye Felicia”

The neurologist finally came in, she was so sweet and I remember she was so pretty and graceful. She sat on the bed and said “Priscilla you have epilepsy!” Everything went silent for me, I could hear my heart beat in my ears, and I blocked everything she said after that. I just kept saying “no, no, no,” I explained to her that this can’t happen I need to be 100% ok, I have a life, a very busy one! I have children and they need mama to be healthy. How do you even know this is epilepsy? Isn’t there a chance these are flukes and will never happen again? Come on Doc give me some good news!!!! She said that it was very unlikely that it was a fluke, and it was definitely not the alcohol, on top of all this new shit she says “in the state of California when you have 1 unconscious seizure you lose your license and now that you have had 2 back to back I have to report it, please don’t drive until you are cleared and that can be 3-6 months.” WHAT THE FUCK is all I could think! I work in Orange County and I live in San Diego! What am I supposed to do???? I have a life and I DON’T HAVE TIME for this bullshit diagnosis!

I think losing my license has been the hardest part, I feel like a piece of my freedom has been taken from me and I didn’t even do anything wrong! I didn’t ask for this!!! How will I get my kids to sports? How will I get to take them out the Saturdays when Alex works? What will I do?

After gathering myself Alex reassured me he would take me to work, he works in Orange County too, and his boss is allowing him to have a flexible schedule to adjust to mine. If it wasn’t for that I would be shit out of luck LOL! I know God works thing out, I just have to lean into him and trust that he never wants me to hurt. He is faithful and he will turn these ashes into beauty somehow!!!!

We have had several appointments since then. I am on medication now, probably for life. Besides the nausea, vomiting and no hunger the pills aren’t so bad LOL! I have to take them at the same time everyday and not skip or miss a dose because missing can trigger another seizure. Fuck this is worse than birth control at least I can double up if I miss a birth control pill hahahah! We don’t know what triggered these but my niece has a small history of them so they may be genetic, but who knows! 

My doctor is so wonderful and she is really trying to get to the root of the problem. She had me do a 72 hour EEG! OMG guys I lost all vanity with this weird looking hat and 30 wires connected to my scalp! I again had to rest and take it easy!

Results were not what I expected! There was a 1% chance that it was a fluke and I didn’t have epilepsy, but the test confirmed I am epileptic. My brain waves confirmed that I am still having seizures at night and they are coming from the right frontal lobe of my brain. That part of your brain is the “control panel” of our personality and controls our ability to communicate and process words. I am really not 100% sure what it does because I haven’t had my official appointment for results so I just heard a snippet. As for my license they still can’t give it to me. I was supposed to get it back 02/10/20 but due to the results it’s still suspended and they don’t know when I can be eligible to get it back. Another fuckin set back!!!!

I remember thinking what is God teaching me, and crying out to him one day, God why is this happening? A few weeks after feeling sorry for myself, I finally got some answers! Check it out,  I feel the need to go and go and go, I never want to waste a minute! But God knew I was running weary and on empty. He knew he had to force me to slow down because I wouldn’t do it myself. Just the way these seizures hit, I felt God slap me in the face with TRUTH! “Priscilla slow down, take a break, it is ok! You’re not a failure if you rest, it doesn’t make you a bad wife or mother. You are human and you are in need of rest.” “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still” Exodus 14:14. Just like that I had some sense of relief and I saw a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

This has been life changing for the entire family. In the midst of this I am being tried and tested daily! I am learning so much about myself. I realized I hate to rely on others around me because I am stubborn, I am bitchy when I lose control, and if I am not in control I feel worthless. I feel like a burden to my husband. God has humbled me, I was reminded I can’t do all this alone, I need to ask for help sometimes! I have Alex, friends, and amazing co workers who WANT to help me!  I just need to ask!!! I realized that God is merciful and he saw his tired daughter and he wanted me to take a look at life and realize that there is more to life than task and reminder lists. I am learning how to let go and let God do his job. I find myself going with the flow and not planning my weekends minute by minute.

Don’t get me wrong, I am still crying almost daily and I still wish I could wake up from this nightmare, but I am slowly accepting these are the cards I have been dealt. I can choose to let this keep me in bed and sad all day or I can cry and allow myself these moments but not get stuck there. I always tell myself “girl reapply lipstick and adjust that crown” and now I can still be a bad bitch with a side of epilepsy!!!! LOL

To this day my heart shatters when I think of the fear and anxiety Alex and my children felt that night. Alex and I love each other so much, we are each others soul mates! We had a time in our marriage where we fell out of love due to life and stress but we didn’t give up and for the last 3 years we have fallen in love all over and our marriage is stronger than ever! I fall more and more in love with him everyday. My boys are such Mama’s boys, they feel every emotion I feel because we are soooooo connected. I cry thinking about all the fear they had that night, but I am so extremely thankful that God sent me such a good husband who has stood by me every second! He has attended every appointment, he has driven me all over the place, he has repeated everything 100 times because my brain can’t remember much at the moment. My boys have been so patient and so sweet, through all of this. They remind me how special I am daily.

God sent me the perfect family for our imperfect life! I hope y’all follow me on this journey and enjoy it! Please feel free to reach out if you are struggling with anything! Remember you are not alone, so don’t do it alone!!!

Xoxoxo