Covid F***** Me Up Emotionally!

COVID, the one thing that we have heard on the news, with friends, family, coworkers….. It’s something that we have no longer been able to ignore. For the last two years we have had to wear masks, stay inside if we had the slightest cold, stay inside to stay away from people who have contracted the virus, I feel like we have just been confined to our homes. For someone who does not conform to the norm, having to obey by all these stupid rules have really taken a toll on my emotions.  Covid Fucked me up emotionally!!!!!

I’m about to open up and be very raw about my mental illness and I am so proud of myself for being able to finally write this. I am no longer ashamed of the fact that I have some weaknesses when it comes to my brain and past. MY BRAIN AND PAST repeat it with me! 

It has a lot to do with my past, but I also know that it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain and no matter how much I try to combat it, I may always battle with this. I have not accepted it fully but I’m a 35-year-old woman and I need to finally accept that this is going to be a big part of my life. I can sit and be embarrassed about it, hide it, deny it, and so on but I have decided to embrace it. 

In June 2020 I had a mommy makeover right smack in the middle of Covid (that’s the vanity in me, don’t judge what is the only time I could takeoff from work lol) I decided to do awake anesthesia due to my epilepsy, so I went through a 12 hour surgery where I was able to kind of assist in the surgery because I could see what was happening. It was a wonderful experience, however I had complications. Not from the surgery but because of my emotions. At that time I didn’t know what was going on, but now I know it was what I call an “episode.” This is when the story gets juicy……

As you know I am a recovering addict to narcotics, benzos and opioids. I was having a huge surgery it’s a mommy makeover I’m talking Lipo, fat grafted, and a tummy tuck. I didn’t take the Ativan that was recommended before the surgery, I didn’t take any narcotics, and I only took Tylenol for two days post surgery. All of this stress on my body must have been oo much, and for some reason it sent me into a spiral episode once I had to stay in my room for two weeks straight.  Again at this time I have no idea why I couldn’t stop vomiting or crying, I wasn’t in pain I was just not feeling well. After a week my mom made me to take a Ativan, I got immediate relief from the nausea and vomiting. (Moms know best, she had been telling me all week it was anxiety)

At this point I’m thinking what the hell is going on, and I realized I WAS having anxiety in a form that was manifesting outward. I was no longer internalizing it alone it was literally manifested into real physical symptoms.

I could go on and on about what happened and how I had to deal with it, and how much I fell apart after. I gave up my job that I loved so much because it became too much and God reassured me it would be OK, my job was my identity but I knew I had to follow what he called me to do. 

I stayed home for three months and realized I was going fucking nuts. I love my boys more than life itself, and Mr. Grey is the best thing since curly fries but there’s only so much at home time that I could handle.

I got a job with my old doctors competitor because I wasn’t being treated the way I should be treated at my previous practice but that’s a VERY different blog lol! YES I AM PETTY!!!!!!!

I started seeing a therapist and a psychologist and yes I got a medication. The best decision of my life, it’s not for everybody I know. But I was becoming a monster. I couldn’t deal with anything.

I am in a very different place today, I still have severe panic attacks but they have lessened from what they used to be.

I can’t say that I don’t think another episode will ever happen, but I know every time I have an episode I learned how to cope with it a little more each time. I am able to find triggers before I run, because running is all I know.

I know that this is a very and detailed blog but I plan to be more transparent with each time that I write, it may not be often and sometimes it may be way too often. But I write when it’s on my heart and when I feel led by God to open up about something so personal and so private, yet when you open up about it it’s such a relief!

I’m here for you if you need a friend. 

XOXO,
Prissy

this is me one year after my initial episode, I look so happy and inside I was still dying! Mental illness is such a hidden secret. But you will always know the truth. Don’t be scared to say I need help. I got you Babe!